7 Am. In the train on my way to Paris.  I was supposed to leave last night but we got back too late from my sister’s house to catch my train.  So I had to get up first thing in the morning to catch this one which was late as usual.

I feel terrible…

I had an awful night.  I am not sure how many hours I actually slept since I clearly remember looking at the clock every hour, wondering why the time was going so slow and why it could not be time to get up.  But in a way it was a good thing since my alarm did not go off.

It was Christmas.  And I tried so hard to keep a happy & cheerful face even though I had to run away many times to the bathroom to let a few cries out.  I so wanted to talk to someone, I so wanted to explain why I was so upset, why I was feeling so uptight, why I was having such a hard time to enjoy myself.  But I did not know all those people who seemed only interested in eating & drinking & giving out chocolate boxes… but this is what Christmas is about, isn’t it?

I should have been happy to be spending the first Christmas in so many years with the family I barely knew.  Though it was a bit disheartening to watch my son a bit envious seeing all the presents the other kids got and he didn’t, because like me, he is a stranger in this family.

Loneliness…

I felt a bit lonely when I stayed all these months in the USA. On the other hand, I had a happy reason to get up every morning and I was so looking forward to the end of the day…  Here in Paris, I just don’t have those little reasons to get up and be happy about.  Though I do have to go to work every day and working is keeping my mind occupied. But being occupied for nearly all day does not counter the loneliness.

I miss my friends so much that I have contemplated going back to Australia many times.  My friends are like family, a family my children and I know well.

At one point we all lived in the same street so we would actually see each other almost every day. Two of us were neighbors in an apartment complex where we shared a tennis court, a heated lap pool, another pool, a spa, a sauna and a gym with a big TV screen.

We would rent out DVDs and exercise almost every night. We often played tennis. We played “I spy with my little eyes” in the sauna. Weekends we would catch up in the spa and have drinks by the pool. And it was also a really nice area to go for walks if we couldn’t be bothered to go to the beach which was only 10mn away.

For many reasons I cannot get in touch as much as I would like it with any of them especially with my closest friend who knows everything about me. Writing can be very therapeutic sometimes but still not as much as talking to your close friends.  So I have to settle for the occasional emails, text messages and IMs.

Not being able to talk to someone, not being able to relate to anyone has taken its toll.  I feel on edge, stressed out, paranoiac, envious and even jealous which I think under the circumstances I am allowed to feel that way.  That’s why you have friends… Friends – or at least mine do,  have those little ways of making you feel better even if you know it is not as simple as that.

I just wanted reassurance that everything would be fine…